Life Lesson #67: Even if you’re crafty, it doesn’t mean you wrap well. Or rap well, for that matter.

(Beats)

(More beats)

Now this is a story all about how,
My gifts look like they were trampled by a cow.
And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right down,
And by the time I’m done, you’ll wear a puzzled frown.

In east Scarborough, I was born and raised,
At the Big Park is where I spent most of my days,
Baking cookies and cakes, they were so cool,
Feeding my friends at my public school…

Ahem. Serious apologies to Will Smith. And also an open invite to my house for dinner anytime. Will, I loves you.

Ahem, ahem.

Anyway, yes. In news you won’t find surprising, I am not a great rapper (although I did impress a friend once by rapping along to Uptown Funk, but I think she was just super-sleep deprived thanks to her adorable baby and probably being overly generous in her praise). In news you might find surprising, I am also a terrible wrapper.

As in, my wrapping jobs look like they were done by:
* a blindfolded orangutan in a wind tunnel
* a distracted toddler wrestling a muddy dog
* a robot whose job it is to clean the floors, not wrap the gifts

You get the idea.

And the crazy part is, I’m crafty! I am, for reals! I love to sew and cut and paste and glitterify pretty much everything all day every day. I suggested to Karl that perhaps the reason for my ineptitude when it comes to wrapping gifts stems from the fact that they’re so temporary. People are just gonna tear off the wrapping and get to the good stuff inside, so why sweat the two seconds they’ll see it ahead of time (or, in the case of our house, the three weeks it will languish under the tree before someone opens it)?

And then Karl pointed out that I love to decorate cakes and cookies and really, how is dessert MORE permanent than gift wrapping? And I had to give the point to Karl, so it looks like he won this round. (Shakes fist)

Anyway, if you’re wondering what the secret is to making a gift look like it’s been tumbled in a washing machine before you give it away, wonder no more! Here, in eight handy steps, is how I wrap my gifts. You’re welcome.


First, obtain wrapping paper, scissors and clear tape.

 

 


Eyeball the size of the gift. Cut a piece of paper that will likely cover it.

 


Realize the paper is too small/the gift is too large. Glare at the stupid gift.

 


Add the too-small paper to the ever-growing pile of wrong-sized paper.

 


Cut a VERY generous piece of wrapping paper and then fold! Fold and tape for all your worth! Scrunch and fold and tape like no one’s watching!


And now, your gift looks like it’s been through some kind of major trauma. Put a bow on it and try to find its good side.

 

Put the whole mess into a gift bag and cover it with tissue paper. Encourage the recipient to open the bag in the dark/with their eyes closed.

When you give the gift, lie about who wrapped it. Blame the shoddy wrapping job on a child, young relative or pet.

And after all that, I think I’ve discovered the real reason I’m the worst at wrapping gifts. It’s because I’m super-excited to give the thing inside, and I don’t want to detract from its awesomeness with an overly awesome exterior.

Or maybe I just have questionable motor skills and hand-eye coordination when it comes to paper folding. Related: I also suck at origami.

Either way, I hope you have a wonderful holiday, whatever you celebrate. And if you don’t celebrate anything, enjoy a few mandatory days off of work! And if I’m giving you a present this year, just smile and nod along with me when I say Lily and Vivi wrapped it. It’ll be your gift to me.

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